By James F. Cotter

(Since this article was written,  the stimulus bill has been passed--- 64% spending, 36% tax cuts.  So, happily,  only 36% of it is verifiably worthless.) 

In opposing the pending stimulus package,  Michael Steele declared recently that “government—federal, state or local—has never created one job.”  This will come as a jolt to the 15 percent of America’s labor force that is currently employed by one or another of these three levels of government.  (1)

Speaking of jobs, Steele recently became chairman of the Republican National Committee, which must make him  feel  like the captain of the Hindenburg.  The kindest interpretation of Steele’s seemingly off-the-wall remark is that he doubts the permanence of some of the jobs that the economic stimulus bill can be expected to create.  Steele concedes that the government can create jobs “for a short term, yes.  It’s a construction job.”   (2)

In the first place, short-term jobs—in construction or anything else—are still jobs, and a temporary job is better than no job at all.  As John Schoen notes at msnbc.com,  597,000 jobs were cut in November, another  577,000 in December, and  598,000 in January, “the most since the end of 1974, pushing the U.S. unemployment rate up to 7.6 percent.”  (3)  Under the circumstances, many of these hapless workers would, no doubt, be more than willing to settle for a short-term job, for now.    

Moreover, the work done in, for example, construction jobs—Steele brought them up, not me—may well pave the way, as it were, for future jobs.  Rebuilding infrastructure or even erecting an office building facilitates the performance of work, which requires workers, who will be paid for their work, and will subsequently be able to spend money, helping to rejuvenate the economy.  Perhaps it makes too much sense for some people.

But suppose, just for now, that the final stimulus bill consists mostly of tax cuts, with little in the way of spending   (although, as the president has emphasized,  spending is the key to any stimulus).  Tax cuts, we know empirically, will not stimulate the economy.  They are merely a sop to various benighted constituencies   (and, of course, to big business).  But if the final bill consists mainly of tax cuts, the jobs situation will not improve.  In that case the 7 Hot Careers of the next few years may well be the following:

1.       DRIFTER.  With the economy in the dumpster,  Drifters  will be in demand by companies because they usually don’t command high wages and if they do, they won’t be around long anyway.  Usually employed in jobs involving brooms.

2.       SCREW-OFF.  Like Drifters, Screw-offs  do not usually command high wages (although there are exceptions).   The truly dedicated Screw-off works harder at getting out of work than if he had simply done his job.  Though most  companies  will be  basically unproductive,  they will  still need someone to sweep and dust occasionally.

3.       SNITCH.  Needed to keep an eye on the Screw-offs so they will get something done at least sometimes.  Though technically used to inform on co-workers who violate company policy,  Snitches are also valued for keeping things interesting in the workplace by lying about co-workers, as when a waiter or waitress falsely  accuses a colleague of stealing tips.

4.       DITTOHEAD.  Because management realizes  that  ignorant  employees are the most malleable ones,  Dittoheads are in great demand.  They continuously spout right-wing  drivel  in the workplace, and frequently have a radio at their desk (at sufficient volume to make a captive audience of everyone working nearby)  tuned to the likes of Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, or Gordon Liddy—ideally, all three of them, consecutively.  Sometimes the Dittohead will also tune in to intolerant,  redneck  preachers who know as much about Jesus as Paris Hilton knows about carburetors.

5.       ILLEGAL  ALIEN.  Always in great demand, Illegal Aliens are expected to be an even hotter commodity as the economy continues to decline.  Most of them work dirt cheap in menial jobs and don’t much care how they are treated.  All they care about is booze and drugs and selling  them to others.

6.      WEATHERPEOPLE.  Most of them work for relatively low pay, and they are not required to have any particular insight into what the weather might do on any given day. Moreover, they get to go by the snazzy title of Meteorologist. 

7.       SEXPOT.  All big businesses and many small ones like to employ red hot Sexpots.  The only disadvantage to this job is that men need not apply.   One of the attractive aspects of this position is its flexibility.  For one thing, Sexpots are not rigidly relegated to any  particular height or build; good looks and curves are the only prerequisites—and sometimes curves alone suffice.  For another, they can get away with bloody murder.  They are generally good for morale in the workplace, though they can be distracting at times—but that’s just a risk the company will have to take.

REFERENCES

1.   Media Matters for America,  9 February 2009 (http://mediamatters.org/items/200902090007?f=h latest)
2. Ibid.
3. John Schoen, msnbc.com  at newsvine.com (http://newsvine.com/_news/2--9/02/05/2399447-dismal-jobs-data-adds-urgency-to-stimulus)

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