By James F. Cotter

Lauren  Sherman, at Forbes.com, presents several items that Americans are still spending money on, even in today’s troubled economy.  For those looking for a relatively safe investment, two categories, in particular, seem to stand out:  personal  appearance and  escapism. 

In the former group, sales of shampoo,  acne and skin care treatments, and grooming products increased significantly between November 2007 and November 2008.  Also, gym memberships are expected to increase by 4% in 2009.  As for escapism, video game sales increased  14% in 2008; and according to the Motion Picture Association of America, though movie theater attendance declined 5% in 2008, theaters actually took in 2% more than in 2007.   To see her whole article for more details, you can visit http://www.forbes.com/2009/01/20/consumer-spending-essentials-forbeslife-cx_ls_0120spending.html?partner=yahoobuzz.

But what the writer does not tell us is that there is an even more appealing  investment option in the escapist category:   Colt 45 Malt Liquor.  Colt 45 has hired me to do promotions for them.  I don’t really start till next month, but there’s no harm in getting in some practice now.  When I say Colt 45 is good stuff, I speak from experience.  I had some once, thirty years ago, after watching a French performance of Moliere’s Le Medecin Malgre Lui  in Tuscaloosa, Alabama.  A group from my French class had driven there to see the play.

What a French cast was doing in Tuscaloosa I don’t remember.  There’s a lot I don’t remember about that night. 

After the final curtain, my friend Trip suggested we stop on the way home for some brews.  This seemed like a good idea because we had a potentially boring 150-mile drive ahead of us, and we needed some diversion.  That was my introduction to Colt 45 Malt Liquor.  I’m sure it was an  excellent quaff because I didn’t stop drinking it until three in the morning.

To make a long story short, we never even made it back to the dorm that night.  Instead we stopped at an empty house his father owned and had some more  Colt 45s (having stopped three times on the drive back to replenish our supply).

Trip had procured a can of ether  from a friend who worked in a hospital and had smuggled it out.   I had not had ether since  I  was a kid, when  I had my tonsils removed. So we capped the evening  inhaling ether.   Eventually I was  bouncing off walls and addressing Trip as “Jack.”  But not before  he taught me some French profanities that I never would have learned, or even heard, if not for Colt 45. 

I’m going to go out tonight and do some more research into Colt 45, to refresh my memory of it so I can become a more eloquent spokesman.  I can just see myself saying to one of the other patrons, “Hey, get your Bud over here and I’ll tell you about Colt 45.”

Yes, when considering an investment, remember these low-risk categories:  personal appearance and escapism--especially Colt 45.